To give some background, this story goes back to the early 70’s, when I was in elementary school.  At that time, the government subsidized a part of the public school lunches, which meant that each student had to pay less to buy his lunch. Because of that, the price for lunches was only $.60 and the small ½ pint cartons of milk were reduced to 4 cents each.  So, every day I went to school with my bag lunch and 4 cents in my pocket.

Another thing to know is that the boys’ bathroom had no doors on the stalls, just walls.  So, you always ran the risk that someone would catch you in the middle of you doing your “business”.

So, one day I was in the bathroom minding my own “business”.  All of a sudden, who should burst into the bathroom but the school bully.  Seeing me sitting there, he pulls out a knife and says, “Gimme your money!”  I replied, “Well, all I’ve got is four cents to buy milk.  Do you want that?”  Looking a bit disappointed, he said, “Nah, that’s alright.”

Then, he starts bragging as he pulls out all the change that he got from a number of other students.  He goes on telling me how much he got from whom and what he was going to do with the money.  Meanwhile, I’m just sitting there on the pot, listening to him, not feeling all that comfortable in doing what I originally purposed to do now in front of him.

Finally, feeling satisfied with sharing about his accomplishments, the bully left.  Even though I was relieved, I sat there a bit stunned for a few moments.  Then it came to me – “Oh yeah.  I gotta relieve myself.”  I finished my business and went back to class.

Joseph – DC

My family went out for lunch at a new restaurant in town. It was Mother’s Day and the place was packed. We all treated ourselves to margaritas and were having a lovely time. But that’s when it happened. My dad (bless him) has a naturally loud voice, and when he has a drink it tends to get a bit louder. He started telling us a funny story from work where a woman said something quite shocking and awkward.   It was much more awkward when my dad practically yelled the punchline, having to do with the FEMALE ANATOMY, of all things, to us.  I do not exaggerate – the entire restaurant fell silent and people started turning around in their seats to stare at us. The place was full of little old ladies, young mothers and small children! My dad seemed to notice. He leaned forward and “whispered” to me, “Was I talking too loud?”  Happy Mother’s Day!

Andrea – CA

First of all, I am a pretty short person and I have a young face. My whole life people have thought I was younger than I actually am. So when I was about 15, my mom and I were shopping and I went to try on some clothes. In this store, they had a section for women, which split into two sections: one for adults and one for kids. After going through the quick process of getting into the dressing room, she directs me towards the right section that I’d never been to: the kids section. I was very confused. There isn’t a sign that differentiates the two sections, but I could tell it was the kids section by the much smaller stalls and bunches of five year olds with their agitated moms. I hesitated to go there. ‘The kids section? Come on! I’m 15!’ I thought. But she looked at me as if she was thinking ‘Go ahead kid! What are you waiting for?’ I went ahead to the kids section feeling very…awkward. Later I heard my mom calling for me, and I told her where I was. When she walked up, she herself was confused. ‘WHY are you over here?’ After that I was very tempted to make a shirt that said how old I was to wear everywhere I went. People were always acting as if I was kid!

Amelia – Somewhere

Oh my goodness, this was actually the most awkward moment, ever, ever. ewwww. Ewww.
I was going into work one day late and the place I was apprenticing at the time only had the owner there and two sections to the shop, an office section with a desk and computer and a work section for customers. So I texted emmm….we’ll call him Hubert and said I’d be late. I arrived at 10.30am and walked in, he was sitting with his head on his hand on the computer looking SO bored, I was like hi, hi, how’s it?? and walked on in. On the way past the computer which was angled at me as I walked into the customer section I glanced at the screen and saw that he was just…watching porn. Just sitting there impassively staring at the screen but was frantically clicking at the mouse to try and close the window.
I was totally grossed out and thought ok, I’m going to pretend I didn’t see that and stay here for a minute until he clicks that off an then I’m going to just pretend NOTHING happened. He clicks it off and gets up, but is really embarrassed and flustered and in his flustered-ness(word??) he goes ‘Oh, I was just watching porn there, so I was’ ……I was like…..’Uh……ok’ O_O
Yeah, I didn’t stay there very long……

Tanya – Belfast

When I was about eight or nine I went to a birthday party at a friends house, we did all the birthday stuff and then her mum announced it was movie time, we all piled into the lounge room and she put on Home Alone, I’d watched it already with my parents and we all had a great laugh at it(it was a really funny movie at the time!) so we all sit watching the movie and her mum is in the room watching it with us(while she’s doing her ironing?!) the bit comes to when Macauley has rigged up all the traps and the criminals are getting slapped all over the place, so I start laughing at the guy who has an iron fall on his face(it’s a comedy!!) and suddenly my friends mum goes crazy, she starts shouting at me..’Do you think that’s funny? Do you?? DO YOU!???! You think someone getting an iron smashed in their face is funny?? What sort of a child are you, I don’t know how your parents raised you but laughing at something like that, it’s disgusting, I can’t believe it’…all the other kids are staring at me like I’m the devil, I feel like him as my face is so hot and red from embarassment and THEN we all have to continue watching the movie in silence, she doesn’t turn it off or anything or express resentment at the movie makers…just me. DEVIL CHILD! O_o

Tanya, Belfast

I had met my husband for a cup of coffee on my lunch break. We decided to sit outside because it was such a beautiful day. My husband bought the coffees and I quickly went to the bathroom. This particular coffee house was incredibly long from front to back and the bathrooms were in the back. I came out of the bathroom and walked the full length of this store. I proceeded outside and set in a metal chair next to my husband. As soon as I set down I felt the metal frame of the chair directly on my backside! Oh no!! I had tucked my skirt into my panties and didn’t realize it until I set on the metal chair. I had walked the full length of that coffee house which by the way was full of people with my backside showing! No one said a word to me…we left promptly:( Awkward!!!

Jan – NM

There was a new young couple at our church, and we had invited them over to our house for dinner the following week.  On the appointed day, they showed up at the door, bearing a freshly baked pie.  We, on the other hand, had totally forgotten about the invite and were just sitting down with our kids to a haphazard meal of leftovers. Oops…that was awkward!

Laurel – NH

I had been living abroad for over a year and had been home for several months, but had not seen my older brother, Stephen.  I was driving down a freeway with three little boys that I was a nanny for, when I saw this truck speed by me, that I thought was him.  I began following him, trying to get his attention, flashing lights etc…  I finally got up close enough to motion for him to pull over, which he did.  I also pulled over, got out and ran up to his truck as he got out, he was facing the other way.  As he turned around, I reached out to give him a big hug yelling STEPHEN!!!  As my arms started to envelop him, I realized it wasn’t him.  He was looking at my horrified.  I stopped and said “You are not who I thought you were.”  I then hurried back to my car which by now was filled with the gleeful laughter of three little boys.

Lea – OK

Kanye West makes another embarrassing and awkward blunder. I feel sorry for Mike Meyers having to be associated with him.

.

Several years ago I went on a trip to The Netherlands with a small group of friends. Towards the end of our stay we decided to check out a very old church from the inside by attending a service. I might as well mention here that we were a group of energetic, college-aged Americans.

We were late. We were under dressed. We were the only young people in the room. And every head turned as my friends noisily took their seats and tried to figure out what the heck we were all supposed to be doing. Everything was in Dutch. My friends were whispering louder than most people talk and that got us even more dirty looks from the old people. After fumbling to keep up with a few hymns and reading aloud in unison, it looked like we were finally going to get to sit down for awhile.  Except that I couldn’t sit, something was wrong with my bench and I had to perpetually kneel on the prayer stool at a weird angle.  My friend Rick, who apparently does not have a healthy reverence for the house of God, thought this would be the ideal time to find out exactly how ticklish I was. Let me tell you now that my tickle-tolerance is a below zero. My side and my knee were attacked and I had to bite my lip and draw blood to keep from making an even bigger scene. My whispered pleas and threats were disregarded, and by this time the priest was making eye contact with me. I didn’t know priests were even capable of giving “the look” but this guy certainly was. I don’t know what was worse: the fact that I was making a scene against my will or the fact that none of my friends seemed to think anything was amiss. Now it was time for communion.

I shuffled into the line and tried to see ahead and figure out what I was supposed to do. But Dutch people are very tall. And I couldn’t even see past the person in front of me. Too soon I was standing in front of the priest. I only had movies to guide me. I had watched actors hold out their hands to receive the bread, but I’d also watched them open their mouths and receive wafer deposits. I hesitated, and like an idiot opened my hands up AND my mouth. The priest looked at me funny and placed the wafer in my hand. I didn’t even bother with the wine.

By this time the priest and I were on track to start dating with the amount of times I attracted his gaze, getting blamed for my friends’ insensitive behavior. The service finally closed but to my great horror the priest stationed himself at the only exit and was shaking hands. The door was not very wide, but I was so mortified by this point and did NOT want to look this guy in the eyes again, so I put my head down and walked past him as fast I could. So much for sightseeing.

Liz the American

Years ago I was driving through Minnesota with a van full of friends, many of whom were foreigners. We stopped at a convenience store and the clerk could not understand my friend’s New Zealand accent when she was asking for water. She tried two or three times.

I jumped in to translate. “She wants water,” I laughed. And since we had so many accents flying around, I put on an exaggerated Texan drawl and said “She’s not from ’round these parts.”

Inexplicably, the Minnesotan man looked up with an icy stare and said, “Don’t make fun of the way we talk, sir.” In my confusion, I think I might have apologized.

Jason – OR

I was window shopping in a crowded downtown a few days after Christmas with one of my girlfriends.  The streets were still decorated with Christmas lights and wreaths, everyone was in a good mood because of the sales, and there was snow on the ground.  Suddenly I saw what I thought at first must be a mirage: It was a tiny old man, smaller than most midgets.  He had a long gray beard that flowed over his round belly, and–get this–he was wearing a green and red jogging suit with matching red earmuffs.  Even though I was 29 and had been raised without believing in Santa, for one magical moment I was convinced he was one of Santa’s elves on vacation after the busy Christmas season.  I pointed, loudly crying “Look!  An elf!” before starting down the street after him.  The tiny man took one terrified look at me and bolted across the street, disappearing into a crowd of shoppers.  Everyone was looking at me like I was absolutely nuts, and my friend was embarrassed.  I felt really bad for frightening the poor guy, but I still maintain that if you are tiny and look like an elf, you really have no business deceiving the childlike at heart by wearing red and green around the holidays.

Rachel – NH

Remember Stanly? My 50 year old boss who wanted to share a full-sized bed with me? He is a fountain of awkward situations.

One day, we were driving to work in his blue 15 passenger van, and he suddenly pulled into the parking lot of a church. It was a friday afternoon, I think. Stanly knew that my wife and I were looking for a church to attend, and he thought he could help me out.

We were greeted by the receptionist who asked if she could help us with anything. Stanly asked if one of the pastors was in. One of them was, so the lady went and brought him to us. It was about that time that I realized that Stanly clearly didn’t know anyone at this church, and nobody knew Stanly. The receptionist clearly didn’t recognize him, and there was no look of recognition on the pastor’s face when he walked in the room either. I began to wonder what we were doing there, until Stanly made it painfully clear to me. He says to the pastor, “Mike here is looking for a church. He is a real nice guy, he’s been to Bible school and he’s looking for opportunities to serve… maybe you have a position open for him to come and join you guys here.” The pastor looked at me, and I looked at him and tried to communicate with my eyes that I had no idea what Stanly was talking about. Maybe he got the message because he kindly suggested that I attend a few services and get to know some people before trying to join their staff.  Needless to say, I haven’t been back.

Mike – Calgary, AB

By this time I had been single for a few years and had a friend that I was very interested in.  My daughters also wanted me to take this friendship to a new level. One day I had this friend over for dinner. After dinner we were enjoying a little small talk. One of my daughters asked me if I knew a phone number of one of her friends. I took out my cell phone and was scrolling down looking for her friend’s name and I came across “mom”.  ”Why do I have your mom’s phone number in my cell phone?” I asked. I read the number out loud. When I got to the final digit I realized that the number was the person’s sitting across the table.
Even though they did not admit it, I knew one of my girls had messed with my cell phone.

Rather Not Say – Somewhere